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Ted

So, I’m checking out at the grocery store the other day and just as I’m finishing my transaction with the checker I realize that the woman next in line is talking to me.

I really wasn't paying attention to her as I had no idea who she was. But a couple of my brain cells collided and I realized she was speaking in my direction. Then I noticed that the checker suddenly had a puzzled look on her face. I looked up to witness the checker's head swivel from me, to the lady and back to me like she was at a tennis match.

Finally, my brain catches up to the events and I realize that the lady is looking at me and saying "Ted?" This is, of course, confusing to me seeing as how my name is not Ted. For a fleeting moment, I suspect that I've totally missed what is really going on and she must be talking to somebody behind me. So, I give her one of those (genuine) looks of confusion and mutter "No."

At this point, the fog clears a bit and the conversation starts making a little more sense. The lady turns apologetic and slightly embarrassed and says "Oh, well you sound just like him. I just had to check. You don't look exactly like him. But you sound like him."

I nod and try to brush of the odd behavior just as I realize that she had been pretending to pick some gum or candy from the shelf of the next aisle over to give herself a good pretext for trying to see my face. This discovery wigged me out a little bit.

Don't get me wrong. She was as nice as can be and in no other way made me feel like I had just ran into a stalker or axe murderer. But then again, do you ever know when you've run into an axe murderer until it is too late?. Either way, I never got the feeling that she was trying some sort of bad pickup line or that I was in danger. I think she truly thought I was Ted and she just had to find out for sure one way or another.

I would have totally brushed off the whole episode except she wouldn't let it go. Perhaps it was just embarrassment for having mistaken me for somebody else or maybe she is just a talker. But she made a couple of additional statements about how she just had to make sure I wasn't Ted. Finally, as I grabbed by purchases and prepared to flee she ended the conversation with a statement that was spoken as if it should be reassuring (but was not). She said, "Well, just so you know you've got a twin out there."

I grinned, nodded as if I totally understood what she was talking about split the scene before the conversation found a way to become even more awkward.

Of course, the entire way home I could not help but wonder under what sort of circumstances did this woman know Ted such that she would clearly identify with his voice and have a vague idea of what he actually looked like. I finally decided I would have to let this go, or I was going to end up inventing all kinds of crazy scenarios and find myself scouring the internet for this Ted character.

But this all reminded me of a previous encounter with Ted (or, more appropriately: Not Ted) from a year or two ago that I manage to forget until then.

I was walking into the local bookstore when I crossed paths with a very frustrated looking woman leaving the store just as I entered. In a very annoyed voice she asked me "Are you Ted?"

Before you totally freak out, I must confress that I'm not sure she actually used the name Ted. It was some name other than my own and I think it was a pretty simple name like Ted. But I use Ted here because now that I've had this latest encounter I "remember" the incident as if she said Ted.

Again, I found myself a little surprised to be confronted by this total stranger. I was entering the store with some specific purpose and my train of thought was interrupted by this somewhat personal question from a total stranger.

"Are you Ted?" finally gets far enough through my brain for the correct response to be delivered.

"Umm, no."

I'm sure my voice also carried the implied additional statements of "Please don't hurt me" and "Why are you talking to me?"

Her response is what really got me though.

Her voice was even more irritated than before as she muttered "That's too bad" even as she kept on walking such that most of the sentence was spoken after she had already passed me.

I have to admit that while the whole exchange was confusing, there was a brief moment of happiness that she had implied that it would have been a good thing if I had in fact been this Ted about which she was enquiring. But then I felt bad for her because the only explanation I could find for the situation was that she was supposed to meet him for some sort of blind date or something and he had stood her up.

The entire time I was in the store, I kept watching the door to see if some man would walk in looking desperately late and seeking a woman that he didn't know by sight. I wasn't sure what I was going to do if this occurred, but I imagined myself rounding on him and telling him what a jerk he was for making the woman think she had been stood up. I also envisioned myself watching him from afar and just thinking smugly to myself "I'll just let you wander about looking for her, but given how ticked off she was I think you are lucky you missed her after all."

The late blind date never arrived or at least never made himself obvious to me. So, I soon forgot about the whole episode. That is, until this most recent "Are you Ted?" encounter.

Obviously, I don't seriously believe the that culprit of both incidents is the same guy. I don't even remember what name the bookstore lady used. She could have said Dan, Bill or Dave for all I know. But unless proven otherwise, I will just assume she said Ted for now on.

Which leaves me wondering about this mysterious Ted. Who is Ted? And what is he up to? What kind of game is he playing?

So, this is for Ted... whoever you are. Ted, I know you are out there posing as my vocal twin. I'm on to you man. So, watch your step.

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