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Professional Driver, Closed Course

Don’t you just love to see those words flash across your screen during a commercial?  “Professional Driver, Closed Course.  Do not attempt.” Where would we be without that sage advice?

The "Professional driver... do not attempt." warning is not a new thing for us. It's been around for a while. I most recently noticed it during an annoying Chevy commercial. I forget the actual truck name, something like the Chevy Red Neck Beer Belly or something like that.

The commercial features a guy driving an ugly truck through the wilderness, chasing a cougar or some sort of cat (the specific cat type seems like a moot point). Eventually, our professional red neck driver manages to pull up along side the cat just as it is jumping and the driver reaches out the window and taps the cat on the back. Just to make sure you got the joke, he then says "your it" and then the pursuit is reversed and the commercial mercifully goes away so we can learn about the latest time-suck coming this fall, brought to you by the creator of Survivor.

So, let me get this straight... I needed to be told not to attempt to play tag with a cougar while driving my big honking truck? Is it okay if I use a mountain bike instead of a truck? Or, since I'm not a professional mountain bike rider maybe I should just attempt that game on foot. But wait, I'm not a professional runner either. I wonder if the cat would get bored if I just played tag while I sat in my desk chair and scooted around the room. I am a professional programmer after all which in effect makes me a professional chair sitter.

Honestly, that commercial is not worth the time I've already spent describing it. But, the "do not attempt" messages and their assorted cousins just crack me up. And I understand that sometimes a company has to cover its tail because there is always one person dumb enough to mess it up for the rest of us. But that makes me wonder if perhaps there shouldn't be more warnings on TV to prevent us from hurting ourselves or ruining our lives.

Shouldn't Friends come with a warning that if you hang out all day at the coffe shop you are not actually going to be considered cool? In fact, you will lose your job and no longer be able to afford those cups of coffee you never drink. Beer commercials should warn us that the random girl you are actually going to meet in a bar will not be impressed that you are holding a Coors Light in your hand. I'm pretty sure that it is a proven fact that no guy drinking Coors Light has ever in the history of mankind picked up a girl. I know it's true. I saw a special on MSNBC about that exact topic. It came on right after a re-run of the Keith Olbermann show.

Commercials should warn us that if your M&M's candies start talking to you, you should seek therapy immediately. Legal shows should warn you that lawyers actually spend all of their time in boring depositions performed in rooms with bad florescent lighting. Sports shows should warn you that most athletes do not end up with a cushy job hosting the half-time show. If you set that as your only goal, you are likely to end up selling soft drinks up and down the aisles during half-time.

Shouldn't we be warned that the joy of Coca-Cola is fat? That nobody drinks Diet Coke for the taste? That while you are lovin' McDonald's triple cheese burger now you probably won't be lovin' the triple bypass you are going to need in a few years? That Pepsi's 'new generation' is limited to the select few souls who live at Neverland Ranch?

Come on, where are we going to stop? Professional Driver... do not attempt! Seriously. Mr. Advertising Man, you stole my joy and I want it back. (My apologies to Lucinda Williams for the lame use of her line but I was afraid that since I'm not a professional writer that it might be too dangerous to write my own catchy phrase.)

I think we should stop putting these disclaimers in the commercials and just print a disclaimer right there on the TV set. On every TV sold in America we can include a big black banner just below or above the screen that says something like "Warning: Situations, actions and behaviors displayed on TV are not real. Do not attempt, immitate or believe anything displayed as it may be hazardous to your mental and/or physical health."

Or some such non-sense. We'll let the lawyers work out the exact wording.

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